Why I should never have writer’s block: A trip to the doctor gone terribly wrong

Posted in children by Ashley Franklin on July 24, 2015
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My kids are a gold mine for ideas! They are truly ridiculous, and it’s natural. I am known for getting into ridiculous situations for no reason whatsoever (like the time a deer almost ran me over as I sat in the front yard). Surely you recall some of the foolishness that I’ve tweeted or posted about on Facebook.

Well, yesterday was absolutely AWFUL. It was so bad that the Twitter character restrictions wouldn’t suffice. I’ve got to be able to pull a story out of this foolishness. Here’s how it all went down:

The appointment was for the middle of the afternoon, so that should’ve been a clear indication that we were doomed. Nevertheless, I remained optimistic.  We were all set to be 5 minutes early, and then the universe remembered that it was my family. We spent ten minutes looking for my shoes. I’ll admit that regrettable things were said like:

“Dear God, you’re gonna force me to be that parent that takes a kid out in slippers.”  and

“but my feet have socks though” and

“I wish you and your 3-year-old feet were with your father right now.”

and “Find em Mommy, you can do it!” and

“Obviously I can’t, son!”

The shoes were eventually found (mysteriously under my bed). Skipping past the inevitable fight over doctor’s office wooden toys, things were good for all of twenty minutes while we waited to see the doctor. Two minutes later, the baby threw up because it was hot in the room.My 3-year-old conned a nurse our of some lollipops and continued to run in circles after seeing how much of the pointless table paper he could unroll while I cleaned up hurl in shame.

[Enter the doctor] The baby channels the Jack-Jack attack, freeing her from her doctor tools. More pointless table paper is shed with my 3-year-old laughing gleefully at the scene. The doctor comments on the baby’s brute strength, he hurls again, and she quickly leaves. I cannot describe to you how I smell. I could, but it wouldn’t be fair to you.

[Enter unsuspecting woman]  She pricks his finger to collect some blood, which promptly infuriates him all over again. Naturally, he snatches the blood catching device and flings it across the room. I apologize yet again as my 3-year-old looks on as I hang my head in shame.

He still went on to get his immunization shots, as he was only hurling because it was sweaty-crotch hot in there. One lollipop later, we were scurrying to the car.

Oh, and not to leave without a lasting impression, the 3-year-old bangs on the receptionist’s window to get her attention: “Hey, I got a lollipop!”

Here’s a better question: Why didn’t anyone give me a lollipop? Needless to say, I am NOT looking forward to the baby’s 15-month checkup. But hey, things can only get better. Right?


Breastfeeding: Cheap and Lazy

Posted in children by Ashley Franklin on May 29, 2015
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I used to go on Cafe Mom. I was a part of a few groups. You know how some online groups can be-full of drama. I can mass produce my own drama at will, so I don’t have the time for it. Every now and then I get those emailed updates that try to bait you in. I took the bait.

There was a very upset woman whose friend called her cheap and lazy because she breastfed. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have friends that agree with every little thing that I do. In fact, most of my friends and I have gotten into it at one time or another. Isn’t that to be expected with any type of relationship? (If not, let me know. Maybe I’m doing it wrong.)

Everyone’s situation may be different. I can only speak on my own experiences. I have bottle fed, breastfed, pumped, used powdered formula, and used ready-made formula. Yeah, so where do I fall on the breast is best spectrum?

How did I end up using all of these combinations? Easy:

My first kid was a preemie and in a hospital over two hours away. I had to pump for over a month. While my supply was getting established, was I going to tell the nurses to simply let him starve because I was ride or die breast milk? Ummmm…no.

Then, he was so small that he easily tired out when I put him on the breast. As a result, I had to pump and put it in a bottle for a few months more.

With both kids, for random and separate health reasons, I had to take medicine that wasn’t good for them at all. I had to pump and dump. They had formula. (The hospital gave me ready-made. The doctor gave me powder.)

Is breastfeeding cheap? I am cheap. When I had to buy formula, I literally shrieked in the grocery store. Formula is expensive! The longest I had to buy it for a continuous duration was for about a month and a half, and I was not amused.

Is breastfeeding lazy? Getting up to make bottles? Give me a break. That’s wasted energy. Keeping track of how long the formula had been in the fridge and wondering if I had water on hand for powdered formula were time-consuming and a headache. I longed for the days when I could simply flip out a boob.

Would I have been upset if my friend had called me cheap and lazy for breastfeeding? No. I would’ve called her a wasteful overachiever and laughed it off.

I don’t know about you, but for me, breastfeeding is cheap, lazy, and genius.

5 things I’ve learned from my baby&toddler

Posted in Uncategorized by Ashley Franklin on May 25, 2015
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5. Jumping up and down on a bed never gets old.

4. My toddler is the grand interpreter of all the baby’s needs.

3. To a toddler, sharing means letting you play with whatever he doesn’t want at the moment.

2. The child equivalent of walk it off is run faster like it never happened.

1. Fight or flight occurs whenever they get a whiff of any time of sleep or rest.

At the ages of 10 months and 3 years, my boys keep me busy. Keeping these moments of truth in my back pocket helps to keep me sane.

What child truths have you stumbled upon in this crazy journey called parenting?

Pregnancy glow or fire hazard?

Posted in children,Family,Life,Life changes by Ashley Franklin on January 27, 2012
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I’ve heard about this elusive pregnancy glow for years. What a load of crap! I don’t know if I”m glowing wrong, but something is terribly amiss. The other day I was attacked by a sneaky afternoon nap (I swear I thought I was blinking) and when I woke up, my glasses were literally sliding off my face! I went to slide them back up, only for them to slide back down.

Seriously?! My skin has always been on the oily side, but never has it displayed the superpower of turning into an oil slick. Every few hours I can literally wipe my face and see oil. Isn’t that outrageously sexy? Speaking of sexy, I guess I better stay away from open flames. No mood candles over here. Surely, “Honey, your face is on fire” can’t be considered a sweet nothing no matter how you spin it.

Honey, your face is ablaze?

My darling, your fiery complexion? 

Yeah….there goes that!